What Advice Would You Give Your Teenage Self?

What advice would you give your teenage self? My 12, soon-to-be 13, girl and I embarked on a 45 day mother daughter road trip across the U.S. last summer to collect answers to this important question—and have an adventure along the way.

To learn more about this crazy plan we hatched and read about some of our stops, check out our Retro Advice Mother Daughter Road Trip blog:

A Retro Advice Adventure: A Mother Daughter Road Trip

Here are the answers we got—one is never too young or too “mature” to benefit from these shared lessons!

Shirley D., 77+ Years (Proud Woman & My Mom from Eagle, ID—USA)

Set your sights high in order to expand yourself.
Don’t be afraid to fail…the pain of not trying is worse than the pain of failing.
Look at a star…see how many extensions it has from its center and how it shines!

Magda M., 23 Years (Student – London, UK)

Don’t be afraid of trying to do things that you want to do only because other people may:

A] look at you
B] speak about you
C] laugh about your mistakes
D] reject you.

It’s OK to try. It does not matter what THEY think.

Kristi S., 44 Years (Office Manager – Albany, OR – USA)

My Teenage Self (Kristi),

First and foremost, as cliché as it may sound, it is very important for you to understand that you are perfect just the way you are.

Do not waste precious time feeling inadequate and feeling that you have disappointed someone. Listen to me when I say, you will always disappoint someone. There is no way around that, but it is not your problem. DO NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY! People have their own issues; do not let them become yours.

No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent.

I know growing up is difficult. You are presented with many opinions and ideas on how you should live your life. Listen, nod your head respectfully and follow your heart. Do not listen to the negatives and the reasons why you should not follow your dreams. Instead, turn this negative energy into a positive and make your dreams come true. There truly is nothing you can not accomplish if you put your mind to it.

Stand up for what you feel is right. Do not be afraid to question authority or voice your opinions. Do not be afraid to occasionally take a risk, but be smart about it.

Do not waste your time with superficial friendships and relationships. Remember, friends and significant others should enhance your life and self. They should not make you sad or exhaust your efforts in making them work. Relationships should not challenge your integrity or moral fiber. Never let anyone talk you in to doing anything you are not ready for. Surround yourself with people who make you happy, are kind to you and encourage you to challenge yourself and shoot for the stars. And, most importantly, surround yourself with people who love you for who you are, just the way you are.

Love yourself you are blessed with many gifts.

Be happy!

Truly,

Your Adult Self (Kristi)

Sandy D., 41 Years (Administration – San Diego, CA – USA)

Really pay attention to what you say to and about yourself when looking into a mirror (and when you’re not!). If you find the words aren’t kind, stop. Take another look and start talking about all that’s beautiful about you, inside and out. You are beautiful and one-of-a-kind.

Janet D., 44 Years (Daughter/Sister/Mother/Friend – San Diego, CA – USA)

Dear Miss Teenage Janet,

Senior Year – 1984

I’m not going to tell you that this is the hardest time of your life, but it’s definitely one of them. And, it will pass just like all the other times.

Your life will be like a never-ending ride on a roller coaster…sometimes you’ll be exhilarated as you rush downhill with the wind blowing through your hair, sometimes you’ll experience very little movement as you await the next turn, sometimes a sharp curve will take your breath away, and sometimes you will have to push your car up the track yourself in order to experience exhilaration once again. I know you rarely take advice from others because the lessons you’ve learned through your own experiences are the ones that stick, but you can listen to me, because no one loves you more. I can definitely help you have a smoother (and more exhilarating) ride!

The most important lesson I want to share with you lies like a blanket over your entire life, touching every aspect of your being. It’s earth shattering…because if you get it, there is no doubt you will accomplish great things. Are you ready???

YOU will forever be the sole source of your self confidence and bravery.

When no one else is telling you that you are worthy, that you can do anything you set your mind to, that you are capable, beautiful, and truly unique, tell yourself! And, trust this voice…because it speaks the truth. With each experience, the voice gets louder and more confident, so have as many as you can!

A few more things…

NEVER take anything personally, not the gushing compliments nor the harsh insults. It’s not about you…it’s about the other person seeing you through their own lenses. And, don’t waste energy being angry or upset at those who haven’t had their eyes checked in years…be compassionate for they cannot see.
Be brave. Don’t choose a path just because it is safe or easy…choose the path that you know in your heart is the right one. I guarantee you will regret each time you did not conquer your fear.
Never try to control another human being (even your future children). Every one of us has a right to be our own person, despite who approves or disapproves. And, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not powerful enough to change someone else. What you see is what you get.
Hold tight to that bit of rebelliousness inside of you. It will spur you along when you feel like giving up and just being “regular”. And, never forget that “regular” is really quite boring…enjoy the perks of being one-of-a-kind!
Make a “Bucket List” of all the things you want to experience before you die…and, add to it throughout your life. Never listen to a single excuse (from yourself or others) for not accomplishing every item on your list.
You are most definitely not as invincible as you feel…your brain chemistry is fooling you. You have one life on this Earth and it goes very quickly. Don’t waste time. Get to work living your best possible life.
And, never forget that the true gift of life is LOVE. Passionate, deep, true, self-less love.

With much love,

Your “Older” Self (…and 44 is NOT old)

Jill M. (PR-Marketing & Business Development – Los Angeles, CA – USA)

This too shall pass…and, your intelligence will remember what your heart forgets.

Gina B., 44 Years (Homemaker – Newbury Park, CA – USA)

I would tell myself…not to worry about what other people think, to have fun, to dance like no one’s watching, and to step out of my comfort zone!

Sue S., 49 Years (Domestic Engineer – Coronado, CA – USA)

Finish college – no matter what! ESPECIALLY if your parents are offering to pay! My mom told me this and I ignored her.
Don’t revolve your life decisions around any man you meet before you are 27. These are not the men you will want to settle down with for life regardless of how in love you feel.
True happiness comes from serving others. Taking time for your self is great, but if we are only focused in on our own wants and needs we miss the real joy of doing for others.
All things worth anything require sacrifice. This is directly related to Number 1. You have to be willing to sacrifice and be a little uncomfortable to reach your goal.
Don’t be afraid of taking risks or making mistakes. These things I did plenty of times and they always had the best results…even the mistakes led to learning and new frontiers.
Don’t take yourself too seriously…no one is really noticing that pimple or that extra 5 pounds or your less-than-perfect wardrobe. But they will notice if you laugh and smile and love life.

Frances F., 47 Years (Editor/Writer/Brander/Marketer – Winchester, Kentucky – USA)

Be happy you are so thin, even though all the other girls are “bigger” and seemingly more developed. You will have your day, when you are 47 and more fit than anyone else.
Be confident in who you are and don’t try to be anyone else.
Choose the path of most bliss, then you do not have to double back.
And… you are fine without a partner. Work on yourself, and then when you can be completely alone and take care of yourself, an amazing partner will come and stand beside you.

Lisa C., 43 Years (Domestic Engineer/Personal Asst/Property Mgr – Coronado, California – USA)

It’s everything my mother said to me that I’m finding I’m repeating as a parent…
Don’t be bitter about things because it affects your whole life and all your relationships.
Don’t be so stubborn and prideful.
Give yourself more credit.
You dont NEED anyone to make you happy, you have you have to choose to be happy on your own.
Save money while you have the chance.
Go to college now because it’s harder later.
You’re beautiful…God dont make no junk!
Love yourself and quit listening to the negative noise around you.
I could make the list go on and on. I wish I would’ve listened more and let down my defenses.

Raquel P., 39 Years (Sr. Insurance Auditor – La Mesa, CA – USA)

Don’t let your self image be wrapped up in a boy. Be concerned, show interest in the world beyond your immediate circle…life experiences that will broaden your horizons much wider are waiting for you there.

Cathrin E., 43 Years (Architect / Hostel Owner – Osnabrueck, GERMANY)

It is not at all important what others think about you or your way of living because the most important person in a life is ONESELF…

When security is a stack of money for one person, it is the freedom to leave things for someone else. When luxury for one person is a career and a penthouse flat, it is perhaps an old shack and a caravan standing on a wide open space in this world for someone else or a family and many social gatherings for still someone else. All matters are relative. The hardest way is to find out…WHAT is MY way, WHAT is setting MY mind to rest.

I had trouble with this all my life. I spent so much time worrying if I will see the right way when coming to a junction. I always listened to my guts and NEVER to what others wanted or expected. Poor Mum! But, some year after my teenage years, Mum, you saw that the smile will stick to my face. Always.

Don’t argue about life with others…rather accept that they might have different priorities than yourself. In short…stay young and pretty and desirable and, most of all, listen to yourself.

I wish me an adventurous way to find MY WAY…

Kimberly B., 26 Years (Trader Joes Management – San Diego, CA – USA)

You may not like who you are right now, but the actions you make today mold the person into who you become tomorrow and forever more. Aside from being a good student and a good kid, focus on these two important social aspects that will develop your personality and into the woman you want to become —

Be kind to everyone and make friends with everyone. Even though you may not be popular, because of these actions people will remember your kindness and sweetness when they get older.

Don’t get so hung up on guys. At this age, they are going through just as many changes. All they care about right now is playing sports and being with friends and talking about girls. They are terrified of girls. We have the upper hand. Don’t wait for them to come around and ask you out. If you like them, let them know – a simple “I like you” card from you, the “secret admirer.” Even if they never saw you as a romantic interest, just garnering that interest from a girl may change their mind and the feelings in their heart. So at first, they will be put off by the advancement, but inside, they’re just as excited as you are. Allow your heart to accept mutual feelings and remember that things won’t always go your way. If the guy you like doesn’t like you back, there is absolutely no need to waste more time or tears on him. Find strength from your parents, your friends, your faith if you have one, and from yourself. Time heals all wounds though nothing erases memories. Listen to what your heart tells you – if it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Allow yourself to love, but truly wait for the right person to come along – there are so many hormones coarsing through you that you don’t know right from left or up from down. Don’t have sex just because your friends are or the most popular kids in school are – ignore those who tease you for still being a virgin. Wait. You’ll love yourself more and respect yourself for gaining more knowledge from others if you wait. And if HE wants to be with you, he WILL wait for you too.

A good friend once told me to focus on making happy memories with people I wanted to surround myself with. If someone didn’t want to be with me, for whatever reason, it was time to let them go, because I would continue to only make sad or unhappy memories with them. The best thing you could also do right now is keep a daily diary of your thoughts, what you did that day, what made you so happy or so sad that day, etc. Ten years from now you’ll enjoy reading about the changes and the emotions you went through and you’ll think to yourself, “That was so silly!” But you’ll also find yourself still relating to it. You can only learn from every step forward you take in life. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to look silly in front of a crowd – learn to laugh at yourself.

These truly are some of the best years of your life – you’re no longer a child, you’re gaining more responsibility from your peers and your elders, yet at the same time, you’re not quite an adult, having to take on more financial and emotional responsibilities. Focus on doing well in school (even though most days you just want to be graduated already – trust me, four years goes by really fast), make time for your friends and be with them as often as possible. If you gain your parents trust, do everything in your power to not lose it – listen to that little voice in your head that distinguishes between right and wrong. Be with people who want to do good in this world and share your same interests. Don’t be afraid to cry if you feel the world is coming after you, but have that good cry, then calm down, think about why you cried, and allow yourself to be happy again, for it’s all that you deserve. Your parents may be boring and have outdated wisdom right now, but that’s why it’s called wisdom – the advice never changes and works for all walks of life – you’ll appreciate it following your teenage years. Flirt with guys and expect nothing in return. Even if a not so cute guy asks you out, give him a chance – sometimes you never know just want kind of person they are and their personality is what makes them attractive. Get a part time job, but don’t be so consumed in it – save your money for college or in a “rainy day” jar. Take lots of pictures and make a scrapbook. Keep smiling and always hold your head high even during the worst of days – people will see your positivity, and this in turn will magnet more good things from the universe into your life.

Lori T., 26 Years (Nutrition Specialist, Personal Trainer & Blogger – Los Gatos, CA – USA)

Love yourself. All of yourself. Love your mind, your body, your thoughts, and what you can and will accomplish. Be patient with yourself and enjoy all that you can do.

http://www.whatrunslori.com/

Paula J. (A stranger who emailed me…)

Our Mother died four years ago after battling cancer for 10 years. I spent a week or so at a time here and there with her over those years, more in recent years. We also had her stay with us several times a year for a week or more. It wasn’t enough. My advice to all of you reading this is…you cannot do enough. She is gone from our mortal vale and I can no longer make her a cup of tea or hear her stories again. I wish I could. It comes to us all. There is not enough time, there is never enough time. Make the most of what you are given. Enjoy each other, not only your Mom, but all of your loved ones. It ends all too soon.

Malwina M., 20 Years (Student – Pila – Poland)

My friend Paulina once said…

I’m young and I may be crazy…I’m doing all these things prohibited for typical teenagers. I go to concerts and like the boys who look like they are psychopaths in books by Stephen King.

She was right. The time when you are a teenager is the time when you can choose the wrong train…fall in love a lot of times. You can change opinions, you can dye youself in pink…

Sometimes people want to “destroy you”. Laugh…this is high school. Now teenage girls have more problems with themselves than with boys. Approval comes after a long time and you should not expect it too soon. If you are confident, that’s better. Do not let anyone crush it.

Take a lot of pictures to remember all these beautiful moments of your life. Maybe the photographs can be destroyed, but that will not erase the moments that are commemorated in them.

And…don’t be afraid of death…be afraid to neuter life.

Dyan M., 30 Years (Physics Professor – Pennsylvania, USA)

My best advice would be based on my mistake…

From about the time I was 15 until I went to college, I could not get out of my house quick enough. I wanted nothing but to move away and leave home and get out of that house and get out of that town. The choices that I made for my career kept taking me further and further and further from home and I was gone from home for 10 years and then couldn’t get back. And, so finally I’m getting back. I have a sister and she has two little boys and the first boy was two years old until I got to see him all the time. And, so now that I had to be away for so long, my biggest regret – and the thing that I would tell anybody – is don’t rush to get out too quick. Don’t wish away the time while you still get to be there.

Emily, In Her 20’s (Tour Guide – New Orleans, LA – USA)

Don’t take myself so seriously. I was a very serious person. My father had cancer when I was 13, and he wound up passing away and I blamed it on myself for a long time. So I would tell myself not to worry, to be a kid, because this is the only time I’m going to have it. And, be thankful for the friends I have in my life because they were amazing people.

A Fellow “Inn-mate” in New Orleans, LA

I want to pass on even the little tidbits of advice gifted during brief conversations with people we met on the Retro Advice Road Trip. This one was from a woman who was staying with us at the Royal Barracks Guesthouse in the French Quarter…

What advice would you give your teenage self?

“Be nicer. If I was doing it all over again, I would be much kinder.”

Kelly (Guesthouse Manager – New Orleans, LA – USA)

Don’t be in such a rush to grow up. Cherish the moments you have and live for the moment.

Maria G., 24 Years (Student of English Literature & Film – Edinburgh, England)

Make sure not to get entirely distracted by boys. Create your own self instead of defining yourself by a man. Make sure you have a huge amount of interests that will enable you to be yourself. In the long run, I think that’s very important…never to rely on somebody else, especially a man.

Amy E., 23 Years (Student of Fine Art – London, England)

Always do what you want to do. Don’t let things blow off…if you want to go somewhere, go somewhere. If you want to do something, just do it…because now’s the right time to do it. You don’t want to get old and realize there’s things that you haven’t done because I think it would weigh on your mind.

A Fellow Katy Perry Chaperone Mom (Philadelphia, PA – USA)

“Don’t have a boyfriend until at least tenth grade. Focusing on boys consumed me and changed who I could have been. Focus instead on yourself and all that you can be.”

Kaija S., 54 Years (School Secretary-On Leave / Housewife, Housekeeper, Chef, etc. / Wife & “Lover” / Daughter / Sister / Aunt / Friend – Born in Finland / Primarily in Cologne – Germany / Stationed in Lincoln, CA – USA)

Senior Portrait – 1977

If I traveled in time to the end of my teen years, I’d give myself the following advice…

Always know that you are loved! Never forget that your parents love you. Whatever happens in life, your family will still be your family.

And, that the world is not a scary place, but a place filled with interesting things for you to sample.

Life’s full of ups and downs…just look at them like a jigsaw puzzle, figure out what the next piece or step in the puzzle is, and keep building from there.

Never despise yourself. Be yourself and believe in yourself and when things go badly, never stop believing. Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s hard at times, but accept yourself. Value and respect yourself. Be positive and have “high” self-esteem.

Never get obsessed with your appearance. Be happy with the person you are and the body you have. Eat sensibly, take exercise and be healthy.

Smile, stand tall, make eye contact, go easy on yourself. “Lighten up!”

Do not worry so much about what other people think about you. Go ahead and march to the beat of your own drum!

Learn to set your priorities.

Set realistic goals for yourself.

Celebrate your achievements.

Be honest with yourself.

Figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Don’t beat yourself up over your weaknesses. Try to get the most out of your strengths and do your best, without demanding unrealistic results of yourself.

Never give less than your best. Keep doing well. Keep trying your hardest at everything you do.

Make good choices…surround yourself with good friends and find mentors. But, remember…it’s better to be alone than in bad company!

Wait to get married till you are at least in your late twenties or early thirties. And, believe me, sex is not love…sex is overrated.

Trust your own feelings.

Open up your mind. Travel abroad and experience a different life than what you know right now. Be a friend and learn about the world around you.

Never compromise your personal safety. Never put yourself at serious risk. This means that you cannot trust people until you really know them and that sometimes you have to avoid things that look like they might be fun. Don’t smoke – cigarettes or other stuff.

Do what you love.

Dream big and appreciate the small things in life as much as the big.

Take it one day at a time and do your best each day.

Have fun!

Store Clerk, 30-Something (Grand Haven, MI – USA)

Wait. Wait to react. Wait to decide. You will never regret waiting to make a decision.

Janice B., 27 Years (Medicine – Toronto – Canada)

Even though friends are important, family is more important. Looking back, I put friends as the most important thing to me. Even though I was very close to my family, I think it’s more important to have those closer relationships with your family than with your friends. And, don’t sweat the small stuff. Even though I’m still on the younger end of life, as you grow older you see more and more things that are more important and you realize that the things you worried about when you were 13 years old are not really things to worry about. Enjoy the things that you’re going through and not worry about the little tiny things that upset you at the time.

Ritu C., 32 Years (Occupational Therapist & Mom – Calgary, Alberta – Canada)

Be okay and confident with the person that you are. Self-esteem reinforced by somebody else is something that I didn’t have much and, looking back, I wish that my parents would have given me some. Once you leave high school, some of those things that you go through…people being mean, trying to bring you down, and that sort of thing…start to resolve when you’re an adult. If you stay confident and okay with yourself, you can get through it.

Amanda D., 20 Years (Hostel Manager – Niagara Falls, NY – USA)

I would definitely give myself the advice of just not being afraid. There’s a lot of opportunity out there and there’s a lot of things that people are afraid of and it’s really important to just not be afraid.

Melanie G., 39 Years (Nurse Anesthetist – Michigan – USA)

It gets me all choked up…because I want this for my daughter. Take your time in finding your right partner in life…and, make your best decision about your partner in life. Once you find that person, hopefully you will have done everything that you would like to do as a young lady…like educate yourself, travel and other fun things…with your own money that YOU make. Do all those things before you find that person in life…when you’re about 30 years old or so. I’d say that would be the best time to get married.

I was 34 when I got married and had my first child. I wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I’ve been to Africa, I’ve been to Europe, I’ve been all over the world. I now have a beautiful family. Hopefully my daughters will follow that path because it’s amazing to get to do all the things you want to do.

Caroline D., 21 Years (Charleston, South Carolina – USA)

I remember wishing it all away. I wanted to be a grown up so much and now I think back to when I was in middle and high school and I realize I took it all for granted. I thought everything was such a big deal. I just wanted it to be over so I could get to the good stuff, but that was the good stuff. I wish I would have enjoyed the moment a little bit more.

Paula S., 50 Years (San Jose, CA – USA)

I remember when I was 13…thinking that everyone was watching me, commenting on me, and looking at me. I’ve come to realize that no one cared…no one was looking at me. I was not the center of everyone else’s universe. I wish I had just been able to move through life without thinking about what everyone was thinking of me.

Shana R., 25 Years (After School & Summer Program Manager – USA)

I would let myself know that I’m going to be in a place where I’m feeling much better about the world and about my role in it. And, let myself know that there are stronger friendships and connections to come…and, that the things that seem big are big in the way they feel, but are not necessarily as long-term or important as they might feel at the time.

Kristin S., 45 Years (Clinical Psychologist – Philadelphia, PA – USA)

What would I tell my teenage self? A lot of things. But the most important thing is that there is no escaping the truth. You can slice, dice, twist, & “what-if” the truth to death, but in the end, the truth wins. It reemerges, persists, wriggles out of the small hidden corner you think you’ve buried it. But it will always find its way out, often appearing like a shadow that follows you. And you know the truth — it’s there in that feeling you have inside and it doesn’t deviate. And it’s clearly different from the many instances when you genuinely don’t know — that’s when you ask, seek opinions and think. But the conclusion you come to at the end of the discovery period is your own and it’s your truth. LISTEN to that. When you squelch that voice inside yourself you end up on a path you are not meant to be on and you are forever trying to reconcile that, figuring out how to get back on the path you are meant to be on. It almost sounds TOO simple — that you won’t go wrong, you won’t choose the wrong path by listening to yourself. But it’s not that following your truth will always be an easy task: as hard as it may seem in the moment to follow what you know is right for yourself, it’s so much harder to head down a path that’s not truly right for you and to contort yourself to make it fit. And harder still to then extricate yourself from this place that you were not meant to be to begin with.

The other thing is to truly practice kindness, empathy and compassion and being present. Always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Try your hardest not to judge. Kindness is a daily practice. The earlier you start that practice, the more the world’s beauty will unfold in your presence.

Julie M., 56 Years (B&B Owner, Cornerstone Mansion – Omaha, Nebraska – USA)

When I was a teenager, girls were encouraged to be nurses or teachers and, of course, housewives. If I were advising my teenage self, I would say the only limits that you have are the boundaries of your imagination. You can be anything you want to be…you can do anything you can imagine. If you imagine it, you can make it happen.

Tammy G., 35 Years (Coroner and B&B Owner – Keystone, South Dakota – USA)

If I could give myself advice at 13, I would say to believe in myself more…and, not put as much weight into other peoples’ dreams for me. Not that they’re not important…and, not that I shouldn’t listen to them, but that my dreams were okay too. I would give what I was feeling and thinking a little bit more validity. I would have allowed myself some more room for mistakes and judged myself less. I would value the feelings that I had…I would love a little bit more and maybe even hurt a little bit more. I think that a lot of teenage girls today, and myself then, shut down those feelings because they’re afraid of them. I think the biggest thing I would tell myself is that passion, not perfection, wins in the end. I would have allowed that passion for whatever I was doing…school, art, music…to come through a little bit more.

Joleen V., 26 Years (Photographer – Sacramento, CA – USA)

If I could go back in time and give my 16 year old self advice, I would say…Don’t worry about having everything figured out. It’s okay if you don’t know who you are, what you want to become, or how you are going to do it all. Even now at 26 years old, I still feel like I haven’t reached my ideal “destination”, I still worry I’m not successful enough or I don’t have a good enough job, or I haven’t been able to purchase my own home yet. But life is about the journey, the people you meet, the lessons you learn, and the fun you had while doing it. My advice would be to relax and enjoy the ride.

P.S. Boys will be more interested in you and you will have healthier relationships if you spend time getting to know yourself and exploring your own interests and ideas instead focusing on pleasing others.

Eileen W., Mid-40’s (Professor – San Diego, CA – USA)

What your reality is now as a teenager is not going to be your reality at 40. Enjoy your teenage years, appreciate your parents, and cherish your friends. In a blink of an eye, 20 years will pass and you will wonder where they went. Lay the foundations for your future by staying in school, and plan your future to include accomplishing all of your goals. These might include graduating from college, travelling whenever you get a chance, and forming friendships that will be sustainable. Also realize that whatever jealousy you might have towards others now, particularly your girlfriends whose lives you might think are perfect, will be really useless looking back. Realize your uniqueness, embrace it, honor it, and let it be your guide to where you want to be in the world.